I have been struggling so hard everyday to get myself to post something. My birthday just passed. And I didn't really want to say anything because I'm a lot more sensitive to feeling like no one cares around my birthday.
I also severely underestimated how difficult this would be. After I was sexually assaulted I thought I'd be more or less fine to just keep working through it. But what has messed me up is specifically the transphobic nature of it. I'm supposed to just.. get assaulted for being trans, have the event dismissed like I didn't matter, and then just come back here to all of the transphobic sexualization I get here and smile through it. All the hate for me being trans because people feel like they have some kind of right over my body, to control me, to take from me, to violate my consent and trust. That assault is barely a step up from what I've been dealing with here for ages. I was already so extremely dysphoric before it even happened because of people online. Because of people who call themselves my fans and tell me they love and respect me, and then peddle my old work to reinforce all of the hostility I get.
I am going to be getting a surgery soon, though. I finally got my insurance to approve coverage of a hysterectomy. There are more medical reasons for why I need this than simply trans-related health care, which is why I'm even able to get it at all. What this means though is that I am really going to need to get back into getting my content posted and scheduled out before then so that I'm even able to pay my rent and bills during the recovery period.
I'm really going to need you all to be patient with me. Lately the negativity, hostility, and violation I've been receiving through my sex work have been outweighing any positivity that I get from my fans. Supporting my work here by subscribing and tipping are a great help. But I could also just.. really use more positivity in my comments and stuff. It's so hard when the majority of my actual direct feedback is transphobic.
