Published: June 12th 2023, 12:00:01 pm
He hoped Naomi and Oliver wouldn't be too disappointed in him that he wasn't quite able to do it then. He made a bit of an effort, closing his eyes, letting the wind whip past him, feeling like he was flying for a moment or two, right after his Nanny had given him a push, pretending he was all alone, free as a bird...
But it didn't happen. He wanted to try it, for the sake of his own curiosity, and also because he knew it was what his new friends would want of him, however, he just couldn't do it, couldn't break through that barrier of his adulthood, of his years of potty training.
It shouldn't have been a surprise, really, considering how difficult wetting had been. Based on that, and how much more humiliating messing would be, he had to wonder if he'd manage to accomplish it at all that day, even if it was, in a weird way, his goal now. Perhaps he never would... He only got to spend so much time with Nanny, and if it was going to take this long to work up the courage...
He was out in public, though, he had to remind himself. That probably didn't help matters. Maybe he should give up now, try again some day in the privacy of Nanny's house; he certainly wasn't ever going to do it in his own apartment, not when he'd have to clean it up himself, and have to be terrified the whole time about Branden getting home early, finding him like that.
"Everything all right?" Nanny asked as she let the swinging slow, and then stop, lifting him out of the swing seat.
He glanced up at her, blushing, wondering if she'd been able to tell what he'd been trying to do. She'd seen plenty of actual toddlers do it, no doubt, surely could recognize the signs... He had been facing away from her, however. But was she such a good caregiver that she could spot them even from behind, even with him sitting in a swing? Standing there in front of her, the diaper she'd put him in crinkling beneath his shortalls, he could believe she was capable of it... It, and pretty much anything else, to be honest.
Should he confess? It was such a ridiculous thing to be concerned with. He ought to be thinking more about ensuring he didn't do it, that he didn't poop his pants. That's what he'd been doing for years, so much so that it was engrained into his subconscious... But he knew that she not only wouldn't mind if he did the opposite now, she expected him to, wanted him to... If he told her, she might have some trick to help him do it, or a suppository to help him along, or...
It wouldn't be the same, though. He wanted to do it on his own, like a real baby. If Naomi and Oliver could do it, so could he! Or so he thought, despite the evidence suggesting otherwise so far.
"Uh-huh," he nodded. "I'm fine, Nanny."
Nanny narrowed her eyes, clearly not buying it. He squirmed, feeling her staring at him, positive she was seeing right through him, deducing his problem instantly, almost prompting him to break down and confess...
"I think it's snack time!" she declared. He nodded, smiling gratefully behind his pacifier that he'd either fooled her, or she'd decided to take it easy on him. "That'll make you feel better, huh?"
"Yes, Nanny," he agreed, taking her hand, toddling next to her over to a picnic table. She picked him up to set him down on the bench, then started to rifle through her bag.
He sucked on his pacifier, watching her. Maybe this would help, he mused. Sitting on the bench was more similar to a toilet seat than the infant's swing, and if he closed his eyes again, there were fewer distractions, fewer feelings of hands on his back to remind him anybody was near him. He could pretend he was in the bathroom, that the sounds he heard of Nanny getting things out of the bag were her in the kitchen, preparing food for him while she waited for him to finish up...
"Do you need a nap?" she asked, snapping him out of his daydream, dragging him back to the real world. "Is that what's wrong, sweetie? We can always head back after this and put you down for a bit."
He glanced down to see the peanut butter and jelly sandwich she'd put in front of him, no crusts in sight, cut into star shapes. He had liked his nap, yes, but it had felt like kind of a waste... Although it had given him the courage to wet his diaper...
They hadn't even had that much time here yet. Was he really going to rely on hiding in the crib every time he had to go potty?! Was he going to cut his trip short because he was too much of a chicken to be a good baby?!
"I'm not sleepy," he told her with a smile, knowing that was exactly what any toddler who was tired would say. "I don't need a nap."
"If you say so," she smiled back. "We can stay and play a little longer if you want."
"I do!" he announced, as much to himself as to her, picking up the first sandwich star and chewing off one of the points.
"Wonderful." She slid a container of baby carrots over to him as well. "Eat up... You're going to need your strength for the big slide!"
He gulped down his mouthful of peanut butter and jelly, eyes darting over towards the slide, looming larger than ever, so much taller and more intimidating than the little one on the playset he'd had so much fun on earlier. It had a ladder he'd have to climb all the way up on his own, and once he got up there... He felt dizzy just imagining it, peering down at the playground beneath him. What if he fell?!
Nanny chuckled. "I promise, it's not that bad... You're going to have so much fun once you give it a chance!"
He would, probably; thinking about it logically, it was far smaller than even the roller coasters in the kiddy section of any theme park, and Malory had managed to coerce him into getting on a few of those, as well as one more grown-up coaster that positively dwarfed this silly little slide. He'd survived that, somehow.... Surely this would be nothing...
But the logical side of his mind and the little side of his mind didn't communicate well with each other; they might as well have belonged to two completely separate people. As far as his little side was concerned, the big slide might as well have been Mount Everest.
So he ate his sandwich and his carrots slowly, squirming on the bench, staring up at the slide, the metal reflecting the bright sunlight back at him. Nanny wouldn't let him go down it if it wasn't safe... Right?
He couldn't put it off forever, however, and soon enough, Nanny was wiping his sticky hands off, putting containers back into her bag while he fidgeted, tummy churning. "Come on," she prompted when she was finished, holding her hand out. "Let's go!"
"A-Are you sure, Nanny?" he asked her quietly.
"You don't have to do it if you don't want to," she said. "But I really think you'll like it if you do! Can you try it for me?"
He popped his pacifier back into his mouth and started to suck on it before he nodded his head. If it was for Nanny, he could muster up the courage, somehow. He took her hand, waddling beside her, nursing the paci harder and harder as the looming, metal beast grew closer, looking larger and more imposing with every step.
Butterflies began dancing in his stomach, and he wasn't sure he was ready for this, but he didn't want to let Nanny down, didn't want to seem like too much of a baby, even if that was what he was, what she wanted him to be... How could he get out of it now, though?!
There was, of course, one option... One thing he could do that would at least delay it. His cheeks began to turn pink as the realization dawned on him, as the choice laid out before him became clear. Maybe this was what he needed to motivate him... Nanny was holding onto his hand, and he wasn't sitting down at all, so it would be impossible to pretend he was alone, on the toilet... He would just have to accept that it was what it was, that he was pooping his Pampers like a toddler, with his Nanny right beside him, seeing the whole thing...
It ought to have made it more difficult, or so he would have assumed, and yet, to his surprise, it was what finally worked. His pace slowed, his grip on Nanny's hand tightening as he tried to make it happen, tried to figure out how to do it while he was walking, only for him to stop altogether, squeaking into his pacifier as it began, as he felt something thick and warm and mushy begin to ooze its way into his diaper.
Instinct almost took over, almost made him stop it there, but he heard Naomi and Oliver's encouraging words repeating back to him from the back of his mind as his knees bent into a squat, and, instead, he started to push harder, head spinning almost as much as he'd expected it to when he reached the top of the slide's ladder as it fully hit him what was going on, what he was doing... He was filling his diaper in front of Nanny, in the middle of the playground... Just like a good little baby.