Published: July 27th 2021, 9:35:03 pm
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We’ve all had a monster in the closet at least once. The one that always hides from our parents as soon as they look inside and/or turn the light on. You know they just move under your bed right? However as time passes and you start becoming braver, you find yourself deep in the crevices in your closet, searching for the damn monster. Your stays in the closet get longer each day that passes. One day you’re only searching the corner where your toys are. The next day, you’re checking behind your clothes. Etc. Etc. Then finally, as you approach high school, you finally come out of the closet only to realize you’ve spent the last 10 or so years in fear only to come to the conclusion...maybe the monster in your closet was just that ugly sweater that grandmother bought you from TJMaxx. Maybe it’s because you were too busy on Club Penguin to realize that you threw your clothes in a heap into the closet instead of the dirty laundry and that’s what was causing the stench from your closet door opening ever so gently. There was no monster in the closet. Monsters don’t exist and if they do, they stop existing once you notice that maybe other humans don’t have cooties, right? Well, unfortunately, you’re completely wrong. There is one type of monster that can come to you at any age. Vampires. As you’re listening to this, there could be one sitting and waiting for the right moment, however, there are some rules that come with having this monster in your closet. And if you follow these rules, your likelihood of survival might go up and they might move onto a new potential victim.
Rule 1: Never tell anyone about your vampire. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. When a vampire decides to call your closet home, you essentially become their caretaker, So, I guess if you think about it in a positive light, you can finally have that pet you’ve always wanted. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, never tell anybody about your vampire. For one thing, should your vampire not have fed in quite some time, whoever you tell might end up on the menu. And sadly, it may not be all that happens to them once your vampire bites into their neck. On the other hand, and more than likely, if your vampire decides to hide, you will just come off as a crazy person. And who would believe a crazy person?
Rule 2: Make sure to keep your vampire constantly fed by giving them either a constant supply of raw steaks or humans for it to feed on their blood. Now, you may be thinking, didn’t you just say to never out your vampire to anyone you know as they would either end up as vampire food or you come off as crazy. Well, I only said you shouldn’t tell anyone you have a vampire, I never said you couldn’t lead random strangers into your room and throw them into the closet. Do make sure that they’re not people of great importance or at least make sure that they’re an enemy that truly deserves that fate. Just because so and so has all the three god cards in Yu-Gi-Oh and you want them doesn’t justify anything. Make it your tormentor from K-12th grade or something.
Rule 3: Always be friendly to your vampire. After all, they’re only seeking shelter and they aren’t feeding on you while you sleep. So, always greet your vampire a good morning, afternoon, and evening and night when you go to sleep. Look for the glowing red eyes that follow you as you pass the closet. You may or may not get a response, but, trust me, they heard you.
Rule 4: Be prepared for constant nightmares. The vampire in your closet may be a little playful, and the only way they know how to play is to appear in your dreams and turn them into adrenaline-fueled nightmares. They don’t need to bite you to “infect” your dreams. However, no matter how bad the nightmare is, never under any circumstances, be mean to your vampire. They get bored being in the closet all the time. I mean, what would you do if you were trapped in the closet and still in the closet after what feels like an eternity?
Rule 5: Should your vampire ever show themselves to you. Do not scream. Do not yell. Do not try and steak them. You’ll only end up as a story on the six o’clock news. Even if they are the most repulsive bat-creatures you’ve ever seen, always smile and compliment them. Don’t overdo it though. Another reason to smile is to know that this is their way of showing you they are ready to leave soon and they want you to know that should you see them on the outside, whether they be the FedEx driver, the cute cashier, or the manager at your local Walmart, you’ll know it’s them and that you’re safe.
Rule 6: The last rule is to close your eyes, stay as still and as quiet as you can, and to accept your fate as by clicking on this audio and listening through this whole thing, you’ve been distracted enough to not notice your closet door opening and one of us is slowly making our way to you. We are sorry we had to trick you like this, but, you wouldn’t have complied otherwise. We need your blood to survive and thrive. At least now you’ll have eternity to memorize the rules to tell the next poor souls. Should’ve checked your closet one last time, for old times sake. Oh well….
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