freakkira
This post is going to be about borderline personality disord..
Published: December 15th 2024, 7:25:47 pm
This post is going to be about borderline personality disorder and how it impacts my self-identity, sexuality, and self-sexualization and the desire to be adored in general.
Every time I develop strong feelings for someone, I inevitably absorb not only a big part of their interests but also their aesthetic. On a date, and often beyond it, I start looking exactly how I know they’d like me to. Not because I want to be loved "at any cost," but because I want to gain maximum control over intimacy and the attention directed at me.
I’ll be whoever you want me to be: I’ll smile, move, and speak the way you like and about things that will resonate with you. I’ll tie my hair up, wear more green, outline my eyes with black eyeliner, put on oversized light jeans and sneakers, wear stockings and a boring shade of lipstick, add a bunch of accessories—or take them all off. I’ll dress up, undress.
I might turn into a walking sexualized stereotype in heavy platform boots. Or I might relax, go for a natural, confident look, and slip into Converse sneakers. I’ll become "interesting," "myself," with a "unique style," wearing the same stockings as gloves, pairing them with a top, a choker, and earrings made of clay and stones.
Still, I’ll never change my personality. Instead, I’ll highlight those aspects of my interests that align with ours. I’ll get as close as possible to the image of your desires while staying far enough away for you to see only what you want to see but can’t have.
And yet, it all ends when I start letting go of control, while intimacy still lingers. That’s when genuine connection begins, and you’ll slip your hand under the shirt I put on to match my mood. I’ll know I’m accepted—and that I always would have been, no matter what. But now, I’ll wait for the moment that inevitably comes next. I’ll wait for you to start falling in love with me. And that moment always comes after I’ve already fallen. Falling in love pulls me into vulnerability, and the urge to mirror becomes more of an exception than a constant pattern.
What I’ve written here reflects almost fully processed experiences that I felt it was important to share—to finally step out of the role of the woman who wants to please everyone. What’s described above has nothing to do with how I behave online, but it was once my conscious way of interacting with such people. It’s also important to admit that these things only happen in cases of intense and unhealthy obsession, which arises in certain interactions.
