⚠️ Rather heavy text don’t read if you’re not okay yourself!
I feel like I’m being crushed to death underneath my failure's. I’m in a constant fight, digging myself up from the rubble of my own creation most of the time. I want so much to be capable of achieving and managing the things I enjoy or aspire to achieve but I keep falling short. It’s a reacurring theme. Sometimes it’s better other time it’s worse but it keeps on happening. I’m struggling to see how to have the energy to dig myself out once again. I’m tired.
I know my PMDD is worsening it all atm. I also know I need to make accommodations for myself for this time of the month. My thoughts gets so dark and even though the worst pass as soon as the estrogen starts going up again, some of it still remains but fainter. Like it’s more of a background noise rather then a full blow concert. But when the accommodations I feel I’d need to make will lead to me feeling like I’m yet again failing how much will it then help?
I don’t know if I have what it takes to be a streamer or a CC. Same as I’m not able to manage other types of jobs either. I enjoy it immensely though when I’m able to do it well but so often I can’t manage because my disability, sickness or life events knocking me over. I keep trying so hard and I’m wondering if it really should be this much of a fight. The reality is that I’m not well and I never will be. My conditions besides the depression are chronic, even my trauma will most likely never be resolved because I can’t access proper treatment for it. I will be broken forever and I made my peace with that a long time ago but I’m wondering if I need to start making peace with that I’m not capable of all this. If I was it wouldn’t be this hard.
I don’t know what to do or what to change because clearly I can’t change myself. If I could I would have changed by now, I’ve been trying. I keep trying.
I wish I could do everything I want to do and do it well, I want to feel proud. I don’t want to be a letdown. I wanna be stable and consistent 💔
