sexplanations
Personal story time
Published: November 28th 2017, 6:23:59 am
In the words of my mother's birthday card to me "sometimes we don't get what we want because we deserve so much more."
Over ten years ago I started dating this really cool guy - a casual, one day at a time kind of thing. We weren't really compatible but we enjoyed each other's company and adapted well to one another's differences. He worked as an attachment counselor in our local group homes. I fostered kiddos with severe attachment disorders. He could lift heavy things. I could build him a website. We both liked traveling. We both adventured a lot. And the sex was lovely. Really. There's no one in the world with whom I'd rather watch West Wing, raise teen daughters, or navigate Rome during a strike. Amazing human being! Just not the best match for me.
From day one we talked a lot about me finding someone more compatible either in an open relationship situation or all together. We did our fair share of fighting and breaking up and not knowing what to do because we cared about each other but saw the world in vastly different ways. I'd try Tinder every now and then. I'd encourage him to ask out friends. We'd chat about our crushes and though it ached a little to imagine a future apart we both knew it was coming down the pipe.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry that I didn't ask for your advice or let you set me up on blind dates. I wasn't willing to hear that I couldn't make it work and I certainly didn't want my professional or public self all misunderstood and cut open.
I think if anything you were there for me in the best way possible. At night when I felt lonely or sad I got a lot of emotional attention from you. When my partner wasn't able to understand my mind or way of communication, you got me! You complimented me, you sent me gifts, you inspired me, and reminded me daily that it can be better than I imagined. It's like I was dating the internet while my actual partner and I bobbled along through the unknown.
You can probably tell I'm not with this person any longer. I'd like to tell you what happened and give a little more context to my life at this time.
In January of 2017 my friend and I made bucket lists for each other. 52 items to check off before 2018. On my list she added: go on three first dates. She said at the time I was on a hiatus from the aforementioned man but it wouldn't have mattered. Going on these dates was important to my self-actualization, single or not, and that was understood between all parties.
I put it off though. Like I said, I wasn't ready to look elsewhere when I still felt compelled to nurture what I had. But as 2018 approached and a visit from Stevie Boebi energized me, I put Tinder back on my phone and got to work. It was exhilarating and wildly educational. I figured out the system really quickly and set in my mind to make a future Sexplanations about my findings.
Stevie (a gorgeous and wickedly funny lesbian YouTuber) encouraged me to change my settings so I'd match with men and women. I set my age limit to be a few years within my own and the radius from my house 15 miles, I think. Parameters would change when I'd hand the phone to a friend so they could "play Tinder" on my account. It was all meant to be fun. At some point I will tell you the details, just trust me on the fun.
I matched with 100s of people and narrowed them down to my three first dates. Person One, a woman, a few years older, who also matched with Stevie. Person Two, a man who'd dated a friend of a friend, came with glowing recommendations, and knew better than anyone how to flirt with me. Person Three, a guy I'd seen around town a lot but hadn't ever spent time with.
I met up with them in the following order: One, Three, Two.
Three was a no go for future dates which I told him immediately. One, the woman, was marriage material, but my damn heterosexuality got in the way. Three was it. IT IT. Like I'm smitten, in love, soulmate kind of stuff.
So I told my partner of ten years -- my friend, the co-parent of my kiddos, you know, the person I'd just gone through multiple surgeries with (his), and built a life with -- "I'm happy." And just like that with a kiss on the forehead he said good-bye.
That was in October, at the very end of the month. I've been MIA for longer than that but add in visits from my paternal aunt, maternal uncle, Ash and Grace Hardell, as well as Stevie and it'll catch you up to October where I fell in love and found my happy.
I should add, during this time period Sexplanations hired a new videographer to work on the show and Matt who was doing the job went through a surgery himself. All in all it's been a wild few months with a lot of ups, fall downs, and spin arounds.
Which is all to say, here I am. I care about you a great deal. Your support is still as precious and valued as ever. You help me keep my focus and my footing. You help me to be an autonomous, productive, and thoughful human being when I kind of just want to run away and have a passionate selfish life under the covers.
I can't say enough how much I miss talking with you and connecting through various projects. I certainly haven't forgotten you, I've just needed time and space to let the masterpiece settle.
If you want to track it video-wise : Evolution of Masturbation was put together during my week of first dates and everything after it has been a dream. I hope you've always seen a happy Lindsey on camera, enthusiastic about your curiosity. Now you can know as least in this moment I'm happy off-camera too.
NOTE: My ex- and I stopped talking for a month but we're back to occasional check-ins especially because we have a long history together and two teen daughters. I love him. I offered to give up being in love for being his partner but he wanted what's best for me and let me go.
The new partner is brilliant. He gives me space to do what I need. He takes me on dates (movies, dinner, camping, herding sheep, cross-country skiing, hot springs, massages, insectarium). He loves me back. He knows all about you! And he's kind.
*sigh*
Now you know. Thanks for listening. Thanks for supporting me and thanks for staying curious.
With a new understanding of relationships,
Lindsey