seventhvixen
Did you know...?
Published: August 29th 2021, 10:43:41 pm
Huge text. Plane Travellers advise.
I barely never posted anything personal. Well, brace yourselves.
TL;DR:
Good News: I'm alive and I work everyday on BFL.
Bad News?: I'm pausing the patreon.
There we go:
I'm sitting at 2000 dialogue lines, more than 500 renders and more than 60 animations and this is so awfully slow to code.
I tried to finish the partial beta before the month's end and is impossible. 0.20 Is already two months delayed since when I planned to release it. Is not acceptable.
BFL is not made slowly. BFL is not made coding 3-5 hours a day because I'm not focused. The only way to code it is to work 8-12 hours a day and be focused. That's they way I made it for two years.
I'm not focused. Is it is my fault 'cause I burnt myself so hard for two years? Yes, it is.
Making games is always what I wanted to do and what I plan on keep doing.
It is my job, and is the only job I'm going to do, no matter if I make more money or less.
For many years, having a goal like making games, like this game (and the others that I'll make), are the only reason I keep living. (beyond being a father for my kid, but one have to have selfish reasons to live happy, beyond just to live).
So yeah, of course BFL is going to keep being made. And of course, better than when it started (we came a long way on quality since then, and all is thank to you).
I never wanted to be on patreon (most of you know it) What most of you don't know is that . I have OCD, since always. (Obsesive-Compulsive Disorder, for those who don't know). It is usually said that Creative people are a bit insane... well. Maybe that could be true.
My OCD makes me that "People expecting something from me" an eternal torture unless I'm just in the mood to kill myself working as I did for two years (one of them without patreon). So or I kill myself working or I torture myself because I'm not working enough. There is no winning situation.
I've spent the last year and half that I've been on patreon feeling guilty every minute I was not working on BFL.
This is not mentally healthy for me.
Patreon has been a monthly torture for me.
Patreon made me have to take OCD pills again in order to not lose it (and I lose it twice this past year and half.), when even with the dead of my father and other varied life tragedies I go thru before, I never needed medication.
Only in the worst parts of my job in politics I had to take medication.
I need to pause the patreon.
I'll keep working on the game and release it. I'll keep releasing updates for patreons. I'll keep be on touch with testers.
I wanted to quit patreon so many times since I opened it; but I tried. I tried hard. Always trying to be positive no matter what.
But I'm so delayed, and this is causing me so mental pain, that I cannot keep taking money from anyone. This is hard to understand for those that doesn't understand my mental illness, I understand.
I love making this game. Is one of the things I'm more proud on my life. I love the stories I'm making and those that are yet to appear. I really fucking want to reach Chapter 3, 'cause is going to be amazing. I want to show you the Grassmere shenanigans, I want to show you the amazing main characters that are yet to come and their stories where ready since the start.
I know I was working "for free" for a year prior to release and that most of you only want that I keep making the game no matter the speed.
But I have a mental condition that demmands the best of me to offer to others and I feel extremely guilty for being slow. I endured a year and half having a business model that really hurts my mental balance.
This year has been full of problems and is being very hard to catch on. The eyesight problem, the mouse invasion (xD), house maintenance issues, an OCD crisis, self-deleting databases, Writers block (solved with the vacations... but didn't solved the general burn)... Even if I know many of those problems are not my fault, the OCD that makes me feel so bad right now, for months, and for my times for these years... is part of me. So I just need to pause the patreon.
After this final week and seeing that the progress wasn't fast enough, I cannot avoid the fact that I'm not up to the expectatives that I put for myself to give you the content I want.
Now what?
For those who have paid a year in advance, paused months don't count.
You can ask for a refund or just wait. Patreon money is sitting there just to any possible computer repairs, so is there if you want a refund.
Anyways, Probably I cannot even afford the photoshop license next year at this rate, this game was not for patreon or should have never been.
Personally I was only bothered by low quantity of feedback, never lack money. Considering more than 50.000 players have played, I feel quite proud of BFL. Is not like I don't need the money, but I'm not a fucking milker.
I can't say for sure if I'll reopen the Patreon when I release the damn expected update (The full 0.20), I only know that I'll keep working on releasing the game.
My superpower is feeling guilt. I guess that, after some time, when I see how you feel about this post, and how I recover, will determine if or with what speed I reopen the Patreon.
I have a pending Duke comission half done, I'll finish that soon with no issues and send it.
I'm so happy for those of you that love my game, and have always supported me. Some of the very few times I cried on the last decaded was thinking on how happy I was of having you enjoying my game. You're on my heart and will always be, specially some of you.
In the meantime, I will keep working on a peace that won't hurt me.
Then...?:
I will keep posting while the page is paused, like the the not published yet summer special and the partial beta, so if you want to catch those just don't unsubscribe.
I know pausing the patreon, and the content of this post, will hurt my credibility as a reliable source of content, but that's better than risking myself to another OCD crisis, or just keep suffering as I do every hour of every day these weeks, while the damn release is still being so damn slow. I need to break the cycle.
This is not going to heal me. This may be worst for me. I'm not going to feel better tomorrow after this post. But this is the only solution I think proper.
In the best possible case, I'll learn to endure this. I won't reopen Patreon if i don't find a way to work in a normal-human being way that don't burn me to death every month until I explode.
Even if I made the choice today, this is not a rushed decision. (Even if sometimes is hard to know if my thoughts are mine or is the OCD, I'm quite in control right now and is not the first time I write a letter like this.)
This is the third or fourth time I wanted to pause (or cancel) the patreon since I started, even when the updates where flowing nicely, just so you understand that this is not a rushed decision.
Often (Or always) your passion about the game had gave me energies to keep going, but if I'm slow and I cannot give you releases to get your passion about it, I cannot get the energies to get going.
Anyway, I chosed to just pause the Patreon and not cancel it temporarily because I have some hopes that when I finish 0.20 I'll be able to regain enough trust on myself... As time goes, I'll see. If I came to this decision, means that of course I don't trust those hopes. But I never know of what I'm capable of, until I make it happen.
...So Now you know.
Kisses from Kat ;)