Published: June 29th 2019, 9:30:24 pm
Hey guys, if you haven't been keeping up with the stuff I've been tweeting, then youre safe and your innocence has been preserved. Just kidding (kind of) with everything that has been going on as of late, I've really had to just take a step back for my own mental health.
It's kind of a weird game, when you find yourself in a bad place the creativity also kind of gets sucked out of you as well. And you teeter between trying to force yourself to keep going, or just take a well deserved break from everything. But sometimes that well desevered break from everything can also feel like you're calling in the towel and giving up.
I don't want to give up. I started my channel because I love video games, I love film and television, and I wanted to share the hidden gems in my life that I love and the things in my life that has kept me going and kept me positive. I wanted to share that with other people who may not have experienced said medium, and could potentially take something from it. I also wanted to make people laugh. I am still working on "on screen presence" but how I am on camera is 10x less alive than how I am in real life. In real life I bounce off the walls, and a lot of what has stopped me from "being that version of myself" was insecurity. I have always struggled with my appearance and felt like it wasnt really possible to "be an attractive and funny woman". While i know thats not true, AT ALLL, i know so many funny and beautiful women, its definitely an insecurity ive struggled with, from being the funny class clown that people would call ugly (humor was definitely a defense mechanisim), to suddenly "having a glow up", i always struggled with "do i lose the funny? How do i act?" I know this will for sure resonate with some people, and sorry for veering so far off topic, but my main point is:
After losing Desmond (Etika), I want to stay as true to myself as possible, be as funny and goofy as I want on camera, without feeling like I have to tone it down. I just wanna be more of myself and I want to embrace that, and I hope it shines through in my work. The Barbie video was a start.
See you guys Monday :)