ramonn90

Negative Thoughts While Drawing

Published: November 19th 2024, 7:18:33 pm

So, while I was drawing this time, I was thinking about what I haven done badly in the past. I guess, during the process of creating art, especially when one is struggling, there is a very weird thing that happens. The brain kind of pushes you into places that are uncomfortable: memories from the past, situations you haven’t fixed, questioning yourself, or even completely unrelated thoughts to the actual drawing.

I found this particularly annoying, mostly because it’s distracting. It adds a certain kind of challenge to the actual work, which is already challenging enough. You know, figuring out what’s in your head through lines. But also, I found it super unnecessary. I am not quite sure if actually addressing those issues will improve the process or erase that particular phenomenon next time I try to create art.

I was so overwhelmed by these thoughts today that I thought it would be interesting to share my perspective on how to deal with this or perhaps just simply share my experience. Maybe you can share yours. In principle, I think one of the things that often troubles me is thinking about why I make art and why I started making art in the first place. Of course, when I was a child, I wasn’t thinking about creating my own stories and all the kinds of things you usually consider as an adult. When you are older, you see a bunch of references and fully understand the possibilities you have, but as a child, I did not.

In my case, I guess I was trying to impress people with my skills, which I am not sure were very good. Back then, I was a child, so people weren’t expecting me to do amazing stuff. Maybe they praised my work as a polite way to say “good job, kid.” And back then, I truly believed I was kind of special in a way, but I also think that maybe the reason I was doing art was because I was in a not-so-pleasant situation as a child. I lived with my grandfather, grandmother, mother, and aunt, but not with my father.

Basically, my father was absent from my nuclear family. I had a grandfather in his place, but my father wasn’t there. Thinking back to this particular predicament, perhaps I chose to make art as a way to feel validated by others. Like, “Look, I am not bad, I am not flawed, I am a good boy.” That thought was likely forgotten over the years, like so many things we do, but the insatisfaction and the need for approval never really left.

I could speculate, but I think most people don’t even feel that hunger. If you are in a traditional family with both parents together, I have a theory that you might not need that kind of attention the same way a child of a single-parent family does. Perhaps you face other kinds of issues, but you might not feel the hunger that I did.

This time, it was 'funny' because I was trying to draw, but at the same time, I was questioning the whole nature of what I was doing. Why am I doing this? Why am I trying to create something? To get attention? To be validated by others? To fill an empty space that has been there since childhood?

These kinds of thoughts feel like punches. I don’t know if you struggle the same way, but maybe with a different topic. While starting something new, a new challenge, exercise in the gym, job, or relationship... You may find these doubts creeping in. They make you question the whole nature of your motivation. How are you supposed to deal with that? I don’t know. The answer is, I really don’t know. But it’s there. I think it will always be there.

The point of me talking about this is to try and shape the issue in a way that helps me understand and hopefully make you feel that you are not alone if you struggle in the same way. Whatever you struggled with in the past is already gone. If you happen to know why those struggles happened, it brings some light into the darkness. Yet, knowing that is not enough. I think being aware of it and not letting yourself be drawn into becoming a toxic, resentful person is essential. Understanding that even if the past was not full of beautiful things, the contrast between the dark and the bright is what makes you who you are and can be truly transformative.

In a way, you can be grateful that whatever happened strengthened your character and made you the person you are, for better, I hope!.

Later this week, I’ll be sharing the process behind this particular illustration I just did, which I think is more like a study, but, you know, I was trying to make something different.

Thank you so much for your support.