mary-masked

It has been a very rough week

Published: October 17th 2016, 3:27:48 pm

I'm really worried that this is a whiney post. But part of the point of this patreon is to  be more vulnerable and connected with my fans so here we go. Don't feel bad if you want to skip it though.

My darling Cynners, this has been a very hard week. My monthly show at Mundo has been put on indefinite hiatus, which made me much more sad than I thought it would. I wasn't as emotionally invested in it as I had been with, say, Original Cyn, but it was a beautiful venue, it was refreshing to have a place where I could do any act I wanted and, more than anything, I really loved being able to book shows filled with amazing people and not having to worry about paying them.

I will probably try to find a new venue for the show but I don't have any photos or video to sell the show with. When my venue contact gets back from Argentina I'm going to try and get some numbers of who went to the show and if it made money but if those aren't good, I'm not sure how to convince a venue that they should hire me to produce for them. Getting proof that I've done awesome things has always been a problem for me and I don't know how to just make random strangers trust my awesomeness enough to give me the money to produce a show.

I've run into this same problem trying to make a website for my event business. I can talk about what I've done and what I'd like to do, but I have little in the way of proof of my own abilities. And that makes me doubt myself, both my ability to do more good work in the future and whether or not those past things were even that good in the first place. Why would anyone hire me in a city where they can hire people they've actually heard of?

So that had me pretty depressed. And then I found out that the GTA program that gives me the most work is being closed down by the school where it is based. My boss is going to try to carry it on as an independent business, so keep your fingers crossed for that. If it goes well, it could be a very good thing for me. I could make more money and, possibly, work closer to home more often. This week I had a two hour job, which I spent 11 hours in transit for. That is not cool.
But I finished The Bell Jar (surprisingly, did not like it) and I learned a lot about Edgar Allan Poe so...yay?

On Saturday I had two GTA sessions in Newark, dropped off a giant bag of speculums at home, and then performed in Bushwick for The Satanic Temple, and in the East Village for a bachelor party and various dive bar patrons. The satanists were really sweet, and so was the bachelor party, so it was a good night, but a very long day.

Sunday I went to the Natural History Museum because I had some free tickets that were expiring. It was fun, and a good reminder that I need to go to museums more but, man, am I tired.

The good news is that after 33 speculums, two burlesque shows, and one domming session, I made about half the money I need to make this month. The bad news is I'm so tired I haven't gotten out of bed and it's almost noon. But I had the foresight to put my computer near my bed so I've been working anyway.