Published: June 6th 2022, 5:27:10 pm
I'm just going to shit here, ignore
Tired of work to the point of vomiting..
But I can't just stop and drop everything. I have so much to do in the next three months, my head is exploding. I've been stuck too much in the last few months. I can't afford to take a break.
My birthday is on the 29th, I'm turning 25, and I've accomplished a lot in the last 5 years despite all the "events" that have happened over the years. But this is still not enough.
I need to get out of the life that my family irresponsibly doomed me to.
I don't want to live my whole life regretting and wanting "something more".
I want to achieve harmony and confidence in the future.
I want my husband to be happy.
I want a dog or two.
I want a good and comfortable house on the edge of the forest away from this gods-cursed country, and not the closet in which I am forced to be now, which is still not completely mine, because even this fucking only room for two people is in a mortgage for 15 fucking years at a crazy percentage. It's still better than a rented apartment, of course. And I gnawed out for myself the opportunity to live in more or less comfortable conditions. But it's still a studio apartment in a country I've come to hate more than ever.
I have a lot to do RIGHT NOW so I don't suddenly find myself at the bottom of my 40th birthday.
And I don't want to feel guilty about what I want and think about people who are now in worse conditions.
It's a lot, and at the same time, I feel a natural need for it. I know for sure that if I achieve all this, I will finally be able to feel happiness.
By the way, the phrase “you will rest in a coffin” is very popular in this country.
But honestly, I tried to live "today"... and this is bullshit and does not help, but only aggravates the situation, because "why do something and try for the sake of the future, when we will die anyway", so I stopped doing anything at all and buried myself in the dirt. It is very difficult to return from this state back to "alive" mod.
Even if I spent money on a conditional "vacation", this "vacations" was deposited in my memory as "useless and unforeseen expenses" and was overshadowed by some kind of failures. After such a "rest" I returned even more broken and + without money lol.
That's why I prefer TO DO something than to try to play "happiness now".
I am surrounded by even poorer people with a lot of financial problems, they all have a faded tired look. It hurts to see. I do not want it for me or for anyone else. But the worst thing is that I already see the same person in the mirror.
The mere realization that I will see such a person in the mirror throughout my life just makes me do at least something.
I can't help but sacrifice my health now and my life "now" because if I stop, everything I've done before won't make sense. I can't give up now. And at the same time, I have very little faith in my success. Because I don't know how much longer I can hold on.