lumirue

My First Suspension

Published: October 18th 2024, 2:00:15 pm

"Wait-"

It wasn't what she told me to say if I needed to give up, but I wasn't sure I was ready to. I really wanted to do this. My head was on the floor, and my tying partner paused and peeked at me from behind my partially suspended body. She held the ropes still and we sat in silence. This would be my first time being suspended, and she was lifting me from our starting point: a futomomo. According to her, it was one of the most painful ties to lift from. And she wasn't wrong. It hurt.

I took a few deep breaths and assessed the pain. Did anything feel wrong? The sensation was definitely one I wasn't used to. The tight futomomo rubbed my shin in a way I didn't like, and the pressure on my leg was intense. I took another deep breath. I wiggled my toes. I could feel everything. No weird sensations other than the pressure, which was to be expected.

"Okay. Go ahead."

She pulled me up. My torso lifted entirely from the floor and I was hanging from a leg. I did it, but I didn't know what to do with my body. I had picked a kinbaku (interchangeable with the term shibari) book up at the local sex shop in Fort Wayne that I typically swing by to support when I visit. Nothing about me seemed to be reminiscent of the peaceful, beautifully posed rope bottoms I saw displayed in the pages. My core burned as I failed to fight the temptation to grab at the ropes and find a way to distribute my weight more comfortably. In hindsight, I realize that's a part of the art, and most arts: making something difficult appear effortless. In very little time up, every muscle in my torso burned.

Gently, she let me down. As my concentration eased up, a frustrated thought filled my mind.

I have a very high pain tolerance! From my transformation from being terrified of needles to being able to watch myself getting a shot, to the way I've learned to push myself to my limits in the gym with weights, running, and yogic balance, I've begun to pride myself in my ability to grin and bear it. My pride was injured at needing the pause.

"You took that very well."

I shifted my focus over to her for a moment. Was she knowingly comforting my ego? No, she looked very sincere, and she sounded proud of me.

I let my body sink to the floor as I lay those thoughts to rest. Soon, I smiled a little, realizing. Oh no, this was the hardest suspension for most. I could likely make it through any, if I could do that.

We didn't get any shots from that first suspension, or the second one (though you can see the ties here, the pentagram harness, foot binding, and the original futomomo), but we did get shots of the third one.

Three different suspensions, with a lunch break in between and plenty of aftercare. This session definitely got me thinking about aftercare. Emotionally and physically, suspension challenged me and I realized that food is going to be necessary aftercare for this.

Something this has also made me consider: suspending in chest harnesses often leave marks for a week or so. I've been in the mindset that I don't want marks on my body from anything kink-related...but I think this may have to be an exception. The marks have felt similar to my callouses from playing the violin, or lifting. Maybe it's not considered beautiful, but they remind me of a thing I love and an experience I get to have in this body. So throughout this week, my feelings have steadily changed.

They've also reminded me the level of intimacy and trust kink requires (for myself, at least). I've snapped my tying partner a few times to share my healing process and how they turned out, and they feel like a tether to her. I realize the general public likely considers doing kink with someone to imply you're having sex with them, and seen the complete opposite where people in the kink community treat kink as a skill to be used without needing more than the trust to have that interaction. I find myself in a cozy in-between. I love the intimacy and feel it's needed, but kink is one of a few ways I find a deep level of physical intimacy and closeness without it having to crescendo to sex.

These pictures show the components we are working out for my third year of doing witchy photoshoots for Samhain/Halloween. The shoot will be this Saturday, and I'm already gathering the ingredients for chili to make sure we all have a hearty meal to enjoy while undertaking this, and preparing the space and tools for a day of witchy play and art.