Published: December 4th 2022, 6:58:07 am
My neck was killing me. I rubbed it again as I walked out of the bathroom, groaning.
"You really should go to the doctor for that," said Cassandra, brushing her teeth at the sink outside.
"I guess," I said, squinting an eye in doubt. "I don't know. I don't really trust them."
"What are you scare of," she asked, holding up her toothbrush, "they're not going to bite."
"Yeah, but..." I rubbed my arm hesitantly. "I don't know. I just hate to make the call."
Going to the doctor wasn't so bad. But calling, setting up an appointment, arranging for the time off, it was all such a hassle.
"Maybe tomorrow," I said, shaking my head, then grabbing my neck in pain.
"Maybe today," she said, spitting out her toothpaste and walking over to the closet to get dressed.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm taking you to urgent care. Now get dressed, unless you want to go in your undies," she said, pointing down at my towel covered crotch. I was sure I didn't, so I got dressed.
The only problem was I didn't have undies. All my undies had been replaced with diapers and pull-ups. I decided on pull-ups. That would be the sensible option, right?
Of course, I had to get dressed as well. I knew she would make good on her threat to drag me there in nothing else, so I quickly threw on some jogging sweats and a shirt and some socks and slip on shoes to boot.
Urgent care wasn't very busy, and we were in in 20 minutes. The doctor felt my neck, but his news wasn't encouraging. "Well, I'm no neck expert, but I'd say it feels pretty inflamed. May have to get an x-ray, or something. I don't know. I'll send you to a specialist."
"A neck specialist?" I asked, rubbing the back of my neck.
"Yeah. Neck guy. That oughtta do. He's right next door so I'll just send you right over."
"See?" said Cassandra. "Easy."
"You didn't have to come with me," I said. "I'm not 12."
"Whatever, kid. Come along," she said. Sometimes my girlfriend made me feel like a kid at the most inopportune times. It was fun at home but in public it was pretty embarrassing.
The doctor chuckled as I left, which only made my cheeks redder.
Next door, the 'neck guy' did a quick neck exam and said I definitely needed some massage work done, but it was nothing too serious. That's when I hopped down off the table the wrong way and it hurt something fierce . I felt my legs go a little weak and a spurt of pee go into my pull-ups, leaving my front feeling all wet. Unfortunately it was a little too much for my pull-ups to handle and a wet spot made it through to my sweats.
"Whoa, dude, are you okay?" asked the neck guy. "Wait... you just wet your pants... that's not good..."
"No kidding," I said, covering my front. "You didn't see anything."
"Uh, yeah I did. Does this happen a lot?"
"No." I said.
"Yes," Cassandra said at the same time. "No use denying it, kiddo."
"Oh yeah," said the neck guy. "The neck has all kinds of nerves connected to the bladder, or something."
"Is that your medical opinion," I asked, making sure that my sarcasm was obvious.
"Listen, I'll give you a perscription for regular massages, but you gotta see the nerve guy next door. Also, I hope you brought a change cause you can't just walk around in wet pants...."
"I didn't," I grumbled. "I didn't expect to be here very long."
The guy sighed. "Well, I'm sure the urgent care can help you out with that, but then you gotta see the nerve guy. He's just next door."
"See?" said Cassandra. "Easy as... cake," she said, quickly changing her words when she caught my angry glare.
The doctor, unfortunately didn't have any pull-ups.
"All I have are these," he said, holding up a thick white diaper, "and I have to put them on you myself."
"Seriously?" I asked.
"Medical policy," he said.
"Just let the man do his job," said Cassandra, rolling her eyes.
"Fffine," I said, stiffly walking over to the table and lying down. I breathed in sharply as he pulled down my pants, and then my pull-up. I endured the indignation of being wiped by another man and diapered. He wouldn't even let me help. I had to keep my wrist above my waist the whole time.
"There," said the doctor when he was finished. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"
I grumbled and held my hand out for my pants, but he sealed it in a biohazard bag instead.
"No can do! It's unsanitary for you to wear this until it's washed. I can't let you wear soiled pants around the facility. It's policy, you see."
"But what am I gonna do about pants?!" I said.
"Don't worry," said Cassandra, tugging my wrist. "The nerve guy is right next door. It's no biggie."
I tried to tug away but she just grabbed my ear instead and led me easily out to the nerve guy, owwing the whole way.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"
The staff in the waiting room did a double take when I was led into the room before giggling and grinning at the silly sight of a grown man in a diaper being led in by the ear.
"Let me guess... is he here to see the pediatric nerve specialist?"
"Not quite," said Cassandra, annoyed. "This little trouble maker has a neck problem that makes him pee his pants. He needs to see the nerve guy. Here's the doctor orders from the neck guy."
"Hmm! Looks official to me! Alright. He'll be with you in a minute."
"Hmmmm," said the nerve guy once we were finally in. "A neck to bladder problem, huh? Sounds legit, sounds legit. Lay down here and let me do a few tests."
He lifted my legs. Hit me with a little mini hammer in a few places. Poked and prodded me, and when he finally got to my neck he prodded my in this one particular place that caused me to empty my bladder entirely. I squawked like a bird being plucked and looked down in dismay as the front of my diaper went from white to yellow, and the little yellow indicator stripe went from yellow to bright blue.
Finally, he sat back, steepled his fingers, and hmmmed.
"Well, I've got good news and bad news," he said.
"What is it now?" I snapped, at the end of my rope.
"Welllll," he said. I swear he was drawing it out on purpose. "You will definitely need some neck massages. Those will help fix all your neck issues. However..."
"Yes?" asked Cassandra, making a 'go on' gesture.
"Well, it's gonna make him wet himself." he said.
"What?! No way. I'm not going to- urghhhh" I fell to my knees, grabbing my neck and soaked my diaper.
"Look. I hate to be blunt, even though that's kind of my M.O., but you're gonna wet yourself either way, so might as well cure the problem while you're at it, right?"
"I guess," I said, groaning in pain. I didn't even care that my diaper was sagging between my legs. I was in too much pain.
"Listen, I'll send you to the massage guy right away. He's just next door," said the nerve guy. "Uh... you may have to stop by urgent care for a diaper change first, though..."
How convenient. One diaper change later, I was off to the massage guy. This time, I was in a super thick medical cloth diaper cause they knew I'd be wetting.
"Drink this," said the massage guy before my big massage.
"What? Why?" I asked, nervous about wetting myself.
"Lactic acid. It comes out when you get massaged a lot. You gotta drink plenty of water or you'll be all messed up after your massage. So drink."
"Do it," said Cassandra. "And hurry. This is cutting into my TV time."
"Heaven forbid," I said, rolling my eyes, but a quick swat on the padded butt had me drinking my water like a good boy. Next thing you know I'm on the massage table getting the shit rubbed out of my shoulders and squirting in my pamps like a cow being milked.
"Oohh ohhhh..." I groaned. "It hurtsss.."
"It's a good pain," said Cassandra, holding my hand. I wasn't so sure, but there was one thing that was true - my neck felt a lot better after my massage. Yes, my neck felt better, but my diaper felt wetter.
"You'd better come back every day from now on," said the massage guy. "Oh, and, uh, looks like you better go back to urgent care for a change."
"Do these guys all talk to each other, or something?" I asked Cassandra.
One diaper change later, I was on my way home.
"Looks like we're gonna have to do some shopping for diapers," said Cassandra. "Pull-ups aren't going to cut it."
"Really?" I asked, exasperated.
"You're not ruining the furniture," said Cassandra. And that was that.
Now I go to my daily massage and I'm well diapered every time. The nerve guy and the neck guy and the doctor guy and the massage guy every day, and I go through a heck of a lot of diapers. I asked them how long it would take for this to get completely fixed, but it looks like it won't be any time soon, if ever.
"Don't worry," says Cassandra. "You've got lots of thick diapers to keep the furniture safe."
The furniture yes, but not my dignity. At least my neck feels better, even if my diaper is much, much wetter.