Published: October 15th 2021, 6:40:43 am
Note: Stories rarely go the way I first imagine them in my head and this one is no exception. I don't know what just came out of my tired brain just now, but I wrote, and that's the main goal of a free-write. I might even salvage an idea or two for later use. If see something you like in this, let me know in the comments below!
You never forget your first candyland crush. That's when life grabs you, knock you upside the head, and shows you how brutal it can be. The denizens of candyland are not your friends, sweet as they may be.
That's what you learned when you chased Penelope Pumpernickel into the forest. Oh sure, it was all fun and games until she pins you up against a peppermint tree and gets you hot and ready for action. Then on goes the gummi cockring and you complain.
"Why the fuck does everything have to be made of fucking sugar," as your hands and junk get all gross and sticky from the moisture.
"Aww, don't worry, sweetie. Just wait right there and I'll get something a little more permanent."
Now you're stuck in a candy cane cock cage that could easily be dissolved away if someone, anyone was willing to put their mouth down there. But no. Penelope and her pals held you down, put it on you, then went and told the whole damn forest not to assist you in any way? Weren't you supposed to be on a quest or something anyway?
That's right. You got distracted. You knew better than to get distracted by the likes of her. But then Lester the licorice kid showed up and showed you ten inches of black licorice that you just couldn't resist. Pretty soon he was banging the eggnog right out of you, and you almost forgot why you came here in the first place.
After a long nap on the forest floor you awoke, dazed. He had really worn you out, and you had the gaping evidence to prove it. It's still daytime. Daytime? How is it daytime? You feel like you've been in this forest for days, but you know time doesn't work here the way it does on Earth. So maybe this is normal.
Either way, you walk down the sunlit path, lit from a directionless sun - and though it is light there is no bright star in the sky to tell you the source. You were on a quest. A quest for what? A journey to find your true self. Isn't that what the wizard had said? Old man must have sent you to the wrong world or something. There's no way there's a truth stone hidden here. The inhabitants are all just focused on sex and candy, just like that song.
But then again, is there something else? After about a day of walking, and trying to quench your thirst in the syrup river, you circle around thinking that they must've been trying to fool you. Definitely a trick. You hide behind the treeline, look at the movement of people to try to discern.. Yes... there. That building. The nondescript building - what's coming out of there? You see bags. Bags and bags of bags. You can't see what's inside, so you wait for your chance. Eventually you see it. Something falls out of one of the bags. You wait for the candy people carting off the bags to leave, then you investigate. You pick it up, peel back the wrapping. It's...
Candy?
Seriously? That's it? Sure it makes sense, but... all that effort for candy?
But then you step back and think of the big picture. With that volume of candy, there can only be one supplier. This has got to be the economic center of candyland. The legendary candy factory. If your hunch is right, this whole town is just a front and the real factory is beneath the cookie crusted center of town. Well, heck. You didn't come all this way for nothing. Maybe you'll find the answers you need there. Or maybe you'll have to make your way in to find out. But how? The door is always locked and guarded by two gingerbread guards at any given time. You need an in.
You circle back into the woods and out where you first went in. "Okay, guys, you got me good," you say as you walk back into town. There's nothing out in those woods."
Penelope and her pals just laugh and walk toward you. Shit. What are they gonna do next? You run. You keep looking back instead of looking where you should be going, and that's how you run into peanut butter patrick. The big doof barely budges as you are bowled over, bouncing off his bulk and falling onto the ground with a thud.
"Uh.. what's up, you?" he asks.
"I'm bein bullied by penelope and pals... could you let me a hand?"
"Sure thing pal. We're friends, right?" You didn't know any better back then, but you do now.
"Leave him alone guys, you've had your fun," said Patrick, while you hid behind him like a scaredy skittle. He turns to youme after they grumble and leave.
"So you wanna hang out with me for a while until they're bored and find someone else to pick on?"
"Yes, please," you mumble, blushing in embarrassment at your own cowardice. You wish you could be strong and assertive like Patrick.
Back at his place, you are given a tall glass of soda and some peanut butter pizza to chase it with. You groan as you feel your bloated belly. You have to find what you came for and get out of here soon. Your body isn't built to run on pure sugar all the time.
"You know, we taste pretty good too," says Patrick, when you try to explain your peppermint-flavored pee-pee predicament. And despite yourself, you had to have a taste. Ugh. Why do the dumb ones always have to be so big downstairs?
"Okay, now it's my turn," you say.
"Again? Well, alright," said Patrick. You try to correct him, but you can't resist a second taste of peanut butter. Even better when he offers to butter your backside. But then there's the problem. As you lay there with a contented Patrick who is dozing on the couch, holding you in his big peanut buttery arms, you still feel no closer to getting out of here.
"Hey, Patrick."
"Unh? Wha?"
"Can you take me to the factory?"
"Aww, already? But we were having so much fun... can't you just stay here with me?"
"No can do, peanut buddy. I need to get out of here - candyland just isn't healthy for humans. Help me find what I'm looking for. You said we were pals, right?"
"Yeah, I guess that's true. A pal's a pal. Still, I hate to see you go... knowing that you'll never come back..."
"Oh, don't say that," you say. "Of course I'll come back!" I'm lying through my teeth.
"That's not what I meant," he said, looking at you pointedly. There's a half-beat where the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and you wanted to run, but that quickly passed. What could he mean? Probably nothing. He's a rube with too much candy on the brain and he doesn't know what he's talking about. You aren't going home empty handed.
So you insist. He shrugs, smiles, pats you on the back, and walks you to the front door. Just like that, the guards open the door. Was it really that easy all along? You want to smack your forehead but that's an extremely offensive gesture in candyland so you refrain.
The candy factory looks surprisingly clean and candy-free compared to the rest of the the kingdom. You wonder how come there's no smell of candy. Just some fresh, comforting, possibly floral scent wafts your way, enwrapping you like sweet gauze. This is the first time in days thhta you've smelled something that isn't so crazy saccharine sweet that you want to barf rainbows.
"Where is it?" you ask.
"Where's what?" asks Patrick.
"The candy!"
"Oh, right this way, young man," he says. You are slightly puzzled. Is he getting taller? As you wander through a series of blank doors with an empty assembly line running alongside the whole way, you everything seems to be getting bigger. Or are you getting smaller? Time works differently here.
You look down at your hands. Small. Your clothes - hanging loosely off your body now. You try to keep from tripping over your own trousers. By the time you're through the last door, your having trouble toddling on your two feet. Along the way you lost your pants. The candy cane cage fell off you, clinking and clattering to the ground. Your shirt was the only thing that stayed by virtue of the neckhole, and you're wearing it like a dress. Peppermint Patrick picks you up and carries you forward into a room that isn't blank - no, instead this one is colored floor to ceiling with nursery print, nursery theme, nursery everything. Baby stuff. A fairy-tail mural extends along the wide reaching walls. The ceiling is a bright blue all the time. There is a candy theme here. Just like the place that you left.
"What is this place?" you try to ask, but find you can't get the words out clearly.
"How many pieces did they eat?" asked a tall thin man, who walks over to assess you.
"Gosh, I dunno. They grabbed the whole bag off the cart... but I didn't see how many..."
You gulp. You ate some of the candy. Was that a bad thing?
"Judging by how fast he's grown down, I'd say at least two maybe three pieces."
You eep. It was three.
"He'd better pray it was two, or he's never growing back up..." you shake your head vehemently. No, this can't be.
"Oh well, I guess you're stuck here for a while, kiddo," said Peanut Butter Patrick. "Nice knowin ya."
He can't leave you here. He wouldn't. But there's nothing you can do to stop from being placed on the conveyor belt and sent back down the line. You don't get any bigger as you head down, but you certainly get more babyish as the machines do their work. All down the line you're cleaned, shaved, powdered, and pampered. Then dressed in the silliest little outfit with a huge baby bonnet. A baby bonnet.
The next thing you know, you are in a big bassinet sucking on a baba. This wasn't what you were supposed to find. The candy was a trap, and you fell for it. But the wizard would surely come save you, wouldn't he?
"If you're waiting for a rescue, don't bother." said the thin man. But sure enough the wizard did appear. Came strolling right through the nursery door. "How's my little apprentice doing?"
"Well, he's doing just fine. Great job as always. I think we'll send this one of as a gift to the neighboring kingdom, pamperdonia. They can never seem to get enough of these cuties.
"Well, have fun, apprentice. I'm off to find my next mark and sucker him in with that 'magical destiny' that worked so well on you. I'm not even wearing a beard. It's a fake, see? He pulled on the beard and it came away, letting go made it snap back to place. A fake beard on elastic. How did that fool you?
You cry as you realize you're stuck like this for a good long while. Maybe forever. Do they think they can get away with this? Do they know who you are? You vow to get revenge... You're not pwayin awound. Weawwy. You gonna teww on dem and .. and... what was you tawkin about? Hawd to wemembow. It's okay, though. The candy people said you're goin on a big twip. That'll be fun. You giggle in anticipation. It's gonna be so much fun. Maybe they'll even let you have some candy!