Published: February 24th 2025, 5:00:13 pm
[at unicorn fuck club]
JRR Tolkien: ugh everyday the news is worse and worse!
Tolkien: it seems that certain hunnish practices have taken root in America
CS Lewis: oh that sounds bad
Tolkien: quite!
CS Lewis: look i know times are bad jrrt
Lewis: maybe this will cheer you up
Lewis: travis baldree is going to be telling his latest story of low stakes and cozy vibes
Travis Baldree: i call it Kelpies and Kitchen Implements
Baldree: so this is a story about an orc who decides to retire from the murder business and use the money that she made in the murder business to open a coffee shop
Baldree: i know that kind of raises a couple questions right there
Baldree: let's just breeze past that
Baldree: cuz, god, the daily grind of adventuring really gets you down
Baldree: everyday, you're just slaving away slaying dragons and finding treasure
Baldree: God! i'm so BORED of all this peril and excitement!
Baldree: i would trade it all for some nice invigorating tedium
Baldree: that's why i decided to open this coffee shop
Baldree: [inhaling aroma from freshly brewed coffee] hmm! love that distinctly coffee-like smell of coffee!
Baldree: [sipping cup] mm! love that distinctly coffee-like taste of coffee too!
Baldree: you know, after a while, an orc just gets tired of all the adventuring
Baldree: cuz you know no one ever told her life was gonna be this way
Baldree: your job's a joke, you're broke
Baldree: your love life's DOA
Baldree: welcome to Tom Beanbadil
Baldree: we have romano, cubano, americano, lothlorieno, and mordoro
Baldree: what can i get for you?
Tolkien: wow what a quaint little shop!
Tolkien: i really like the acoustic pan flute music
Tolkien: uh yeah i would like theeeee
Tolkien: the mocha frappacino double dungeon master delight
Baldree: whole milk ok?
Tolkien: do you have oat milk?
Baldree: we have soy
Tolkien:
Tolkien: uhhhhh
GRR Martin: c'mon hurry it up!
Martin: we don't have all day!
Baldree: and for the rest of you?
CS Lewis: i would like the cinnamon raspberry Obama sonic blast with 12 pumps of syrup
Lewis: also i'd like to buy one of these CDs of acoustic pan flute music
Baldree: which album? "Rhythms of the River of Life" or "Global Heartsong?"
Tolkien: excuse me where do hey get the coffee beans in this fantasy world?
Baldree: i don't know, jrrt, where do they get the taters in middle earth?
Tolkien:
Tolkien: that's
Tolkien: that's different
Baldree: is it now?
Baldree: coffee is nice
Tolkien: [slowly drifting into contented haze] so nice
Baldree: but then there's a mob boss!
Tolkien: what!!!
Tolkien: ugh!
Tolkien: i was told that this would be low stakes!
Tolkien: i distinctly heard it would be low stakes!
Baldree: don't worry, you can bribe the mob boss with pastries
Baldree: speaking of which do you want a biscotti with your coffee?
Tolkien: oh! you know what
Tolkien: yes
Tolkien: yes i do
Baldree: if you enjoyed this story, be sure to watch for the follow-ups
Baldree: tiamats and toaster ovens
Baldree: paladins and potholders
Baldree: sorcerers and spatulas