I'm starting to think it's time to pack it in. I had a good..
Published: December 30th 2021, 9:02:13 am
I'm starting to think it's time to pack it in.
I had a good day today. Good conversations with online friends. Did seriously three Twitch streams, playing three different games on three different platforms. Got back on my meds, ate good food. Thought tonight would be a good night to do a fourth stream; give Chaturbate another go. Picked out a cute outfit, re-shaved my legs and ass, got OBS ready, put a toy to use, and logged on.
Took a look at what other streamers were up to and then it hit me. Why should I bother?
Watching other men either just casually jack off, or even do jack all of nothing, while chat threw bits or whatever CB currency is at them, while they... well, I can't tell if they were putting forth no effort into their work, or if they just made it look effortless. I literally saw one guy, barely visible on camera, not even looking at camera, and people were begging to pay him to have private messages so they could maybe see more.
I didn't have much to give to SW. Not physically, and not mentally. The little I had and put in, it... didn't get me very far.
Real talk for a second, I started my OF last winter not because I wanted to explore my sexuality. I wanted to earn enough to buy my kids Christmas presents. They lost everything, WE lost everything, and I was low on options. I made an effort, I'm proud of those first few months, and then... well, it ended. And I didn't stop. I gave up, but didn't stop. I just lost more and more of myself in the real world and held on to this because I wanted to, for once, not give up on something. I give up on EVERYTHING.
And here I am, a Christmas later. I'm not making content anymore. I long gave up on making any money doing this. I don't even have my children anymore. I've hung on for the Friends and Fans I've made, and I'm grateful for each and every one of you. I truly am.
I was never built for this. I don't have the look. I don't have the charisma. I don't have the drive, the screen presence, the personality.
I don't have the motivation.
Of all of the things I've given up on in life, and there's been so many, this is the one thing I can't bring myself to fully let go of. But of all of the things I've tried, this is the one I was uniquely the least qualified to succeed at.
I didn't know where else to post all of this. I'm sure it's going to be off putting, if anyone actually reads it. I don't believe anyone will.
I left an ass pic for tax. This was my outfit for my stream tonight, and I thought it looked good. Hope you enjoy.