You’ll never read this but…
Your song comes on. I stop work to look up and I miss you. I turn to look towards the door to see if you’ve come to visit me. You’re not there, I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. It’s 3am. Works over, time to go home but what am I returning to?
t’s 4:30am, I haven’t slept. I pull the hoodie over my head and the door shuts behind me as I step outside. It’s cold. But it’s always cold on this walk. I put my headphones in and hit “play” to my book on tape, “Psychic Witch” by Mat Auryn. I’ve never considered myself anything of the supernatural. But the world around me is dull and I seek escape into a reality behind the concrete walls. As I walk it’s not long before I’m distracted by you. Never far from my thoughts I look up and continue to walk, picturing you fast asleep in bed.
“Life is funny, life is cruel.” I think to myself. As I replay memories of events that have led me here. The feeling of being alone is a familiar feeling. It’s not that I’m bad at connecting with people. I find it exhausting. Too much of me invested in others only to have it turn to ash. “What’s the point?” I ask myself.
I reach the gym, today I’m working on my chest. I lift the bar until I can’t lift anymore. Struggling to complete my set, asking myself why am I even trying? What’s the point? Who is this for? Is this for me?
Im exhausted as I step outside the gym to return home, the suns beginning to rise. And I have no one to share this with. Everyday, who is this for? I begin my walk home. Heavy breathing. Thinking of you. I think of you a lot.
“Maybe it’s best I’m alone?”
…I miss them. I miss the ones I felt connected to. I miss the ones who made me feel like I was worth something. I miss those who saw greatness in me when I couldn’t see it myself.