TW /// TRIGGER WARNING
update & rant / ramble
So im not sure if all of you follow me on twitter but thats where i mostly post updates about why i stop being active sldhdhahs
but i dont really want to post there this time…
so i have been struggling with suicidal thoughts & tendencies for a very very long time now & it gets worse each time i start working again. Mostly bc if i am grinding then miss a day ,, i start spiraling thinking in failing you all & just descend deeper & deeper into depression for weeks until something horrible happens. Then it takes me at LEAST another week to start feeling better so i can work again .. but the same things happens & i start the cycle all over again. This time was supposed to be different bc i was SUPPOSED to take extra pics to post if i needed a break…. but i didnt take them due to a family issue i never got around to taking my backup posts
therefore i started the shame spiral again & got severely suicidal.
I compare myself to much to those around me physically .. financially.. etc i feel so inferior to everyone else & when i add that onto my lack of work it makes me feel so disgusted with myself & my body dysmorphia gets worse…
Right now i am really having a hard time getting back into the swing of things im so fucking sorry . I promised it wouldnt be like last time but it was again. Im trying so hard to not be a disappointment but i seriously am mentally ill to the point it ruins my everyday life. i live with debilitating anxiety & depression & it causes me to just go MIA so much .. I am sorry. Im working so hard on myself so i dont have to work IRL … so THIS can be my job & i can provide food for my family but bc of my own mentall illness i cant .. & nobody else can for me … I have had 20 $ in my bank for over a month & my eating disorder got super fucking bad bc of … so forgive me for not being as active as i promised i really am sorry & i have been trying & i will keep trying 🩷
Published: March 20th 2024, 2:46:19 am
TW /// TRIGGER WARNING
update & rant / ramble
So im not sure if all of you follow me on twitter but thats where i mostly post updates about why i stop being active sldhdhahs
but i dont really want to post there this time…
so i have been struggling with suicidal thoughts & tendencies for a very very long time now & it gets worse each time i start working again. Mostly bc if i am grinding then miss a day ,, i start spiraling thinking in failing you all & just descend deeper & deeper into depression for weeks until something horrible happens. Then it takes me at LEAST another week to start feeling better so i can work again .. but the same things happens & i start the cycle all over again. This time was supposed to be different bc i was SUPPOSED to take extra pics to post if i needed a break…. but i didnt take them due to a family issue i never got around to taking my backup posts
therefore i started the shame spiral again & got severely suicidal.
I compare myself to much to those around me physically .. financially.. etc i feel so inferior to everyone else & when i add that onto my lack of work it makes me feel so disgusted with myself & my body dysmorphia gets worse…
Right now i am really having a hard time getting back into the swing of things im so fucking sorry . I promised it wouldnt be like last time but it was again. Im trying so hard to not be a disappointment but i seriously am mentally ill to the point it ruins my everyday life. i live with debilitating anxiety & depression & it causes me to just go MIA so much .. I am sorry. Im working so hard on myself so i dont have to work IRL … so THIS can be my job & i can provide food for my family but bc of my own mentall illness i cant .. & nobody else can for me … I have had 20 $ in my bank for over a month & my eating disorder got super fucking bad bc of … so forgive me for not being as active as i promised i really am sorry & i have been trying & i will keep trying 🩷