Pt 2 writing:
i am healthier than i've been for years, i am vulnerable and motivated.
Stressful at times, incredibly challenging emotionally... and i've never been so exposed - and held for that. i'm letting go. Which is exactly what a slave is meant to do (from my personal perspective on myself - i know opinions differ). i'm responding to everything, i'm sharing everything, i'm completely open and vulnerable. i'm changing my responses, bodily, psychologically, audibly, visibly. i'm being willingly conditioned and unknowingly at times - by A/all of U/us. It is a funny thing... to change under Ownership and yet to become more and more exposed for exactly what you are. Changing and yet more myself than ever. Truly my 'self' is becomming more and more Theirs. Intrinsically, not as an act or roleplay.
The Collar
There is so much to write about. Such deep feelings, so many levels i could go into, and of course a lot has happened since my last writing about service. my collaring being an obvious hugely important change. However... i can't force that to words. i struggle to even for my Owners. They look to me and ask me how my connection to my beautiful collar feels... and i struggle. It's not that i'm hiding anything, but that it's too scary to feel - incase i have it taken away somehow.
People cry when they receive things that mean a lot at times. But in a way... it feels too much to show. Like a flame so hot it burns cold, like invisible steam. i try to unfold just how much the collar and Ownership feels to me, and i can't connect to give that to Them. It's sad really, i think it is self protection - a struggle to feel happy to the true extend of that very positive feeling, as it's scary to feel that strongly. However i can connect to sadness. And i believe if They ever took my collar off for a moment, They would see just how deep those feelings truly run. my eyes can water and my heartbeat quicken just beginning to let that thought in. That i can connect to. That is the coin's other side of all it brings and feel
